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what i do is not who i am
– and by ‘do’ i’m referring to — where i work – what job i have — where i spend my days –
or is it?
where’s the line between how much time i spend doing something and my believing in it?
can i do something my heart doesn’t love? what if that thing actually empowers me to do the things that i love?
i’m wrestling with this job. its a job at a big shot investment firm.
they want to give it to me.
i don’t care that much about $. i appreciate people who are smart and invest their money well, but i’m not passionate about seeing it happen. i’m not excited about the competition of who can win the most clients and gain the most accounts.
why am i here?
i love marginalized people. i want to live my life in the margins and be jesus in the margins.
the 8th floor surrounded by a bunch of people who have never felt an ounce of marginalization in their lives doesn’t seem like the best place to do that.
is it okay as long as i don’t forget who i am? how much i love the margins?
i’d be free to spend the rest of my time investing in the people of the ground. and maybe these people in the clouds need to be heard and seen by me too.
they’re different worlds.
can i trust myself not to get them mixed up? to stay one of the ground people while living the majority of my hours in the clouds?
‘if i ascend to heaven, You are there; if i make my bead in the depths, behold, You are there. if i take the wings of the dawn, if i dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.’
give me peace. even in the clouds.
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B and I were just praying together about this very same quandary. In one thought… it seems foolish and settling to choose the clouds even when its handed to you on a silver platter… because you don’t believe in it. With the other thought flying past – you cannot help but see that -Yes, God is there and is quite upside down from your thinking. And then then the two thoughts become tangled. And when you thought you were talking the world and turning it upside down for the Kingdom, God takes your heart and turns it upside down for His unusual and unmistakable glory…
Comment by B Pod December 28, 2009 @ 12:25 pm